Recently I’ve been feeling torn in two. If that sounds dramatic, it’s because it’s meant to. Aside from the general undercurrent of anxiety from my own brain and all the… ya know… gestures vaguely…, I’m doing alright! For a long time as a younger person, I remember reading Tumblr posts about executive dysfunction and thinking “pssssh come on. Just do the thing!” But now? As an older person? I freaking get it and regret my prior attitude so much. And in this case, I’m not even just talking about executive function as it pertains to daily maintenance and housekeeping tasks (though I frequently struggle with those as well). The way it’s been hitting me hardest as of late is with my hobbies.
I’ve always had a ton of hobbies and took a lot of pride in the fact that I rarely, if ever, got bored. And as an adult, that list has expanded substantially. To name a few:
- Gaming
- Computers
- Music
- Books
- Exercise
- DIY projects
- And so many others!
To finish my earlier thought, I feel torn in two because I’m perennially caught in the famous cycle of “I have too many things that I want to do and I can’t pick just one so I end up doing nothing.” And it’s starting to wear on me. I’ve got a “new” half-built out server that needs the last few bugs ironed out, I’ve got an album I’ve been writing that’s probably going back to the drawing board, and at least two or three different little programs/games I want to start working on. And yeah, I find time to have fun with all of this stuff and everything gets worked on eventually, but I can’t help but feel like my hobbies are only getting attention when it’s convenient sometimes and not because that’s what I actually feel like doing. Example: working on some code/server stuff on my laptop in the living room even though I WANT to be working on music in my office but I don’t feel like locking myself in there for the hours that I will inevitably be lost in that process. It’s a problem of in the moment desire, time management, and time availability.
I guess I’m just kind of venting here. I’m just feeling a little frustrated for some reason. Maybe it’s all fine and I’m just sublimating my reaction to the… ya know… gestures vaguely.